Help for Mental Illness

This is a post about awareness of mental illness and how your words affect the lives of those afflicted with it. I go into this post very carefully and with much trepidation.  This isn’t an easy subject and nothing to be taken lightly.  This is not a post to debate the causes of mental illness.  There is a massive amount of information available about mental illness, and not being a medical professional, I won’t even attempt at slogging through something so complex. 

 

What you need to remember:

1.       Mental illness is treatable.  Not necessarily curable but it  can be managed.  It is not easy and may last a lifetime.  It will take honesty, willingness and a ton of work but there is hope. 

2.       Mental illness needs to be diagnosed by a medical professional; not your mother, not your best friend, not your pastor and not your “Christian counselor”. 

3.       Mental illness needs to be treated by a medical professional.  Telling a person they need only have faith and pray is dangerous and possibly fatal.

4.       Mental illness does not mean there is something “wrong with you spiritually”.  It is not weakness, not from lack of faith and not from demons.  Please keep your commentary to yourself.  No matter who you’ve known or what you’ve seen, if you have not personally had to battle mental illness then you have no idea what you are talking about.

 

I’ve attached a photo showing Rick Warren’s statement about his son’s recent death in comparison to a photo of a retweet by Eric Dykstra of a man believing God will take away his bipolar condition.  

 

I greatly appreciate that Rick Warren spoke of medical treatment and my heart goes to him and his family in such a time of great loss.  Sadly, as with all diseases, and even with the best of care, sometimes the illness defeats the person in the end.  My aunt essentially died of mental illness, after a lifetime of treatment, and the sorrow for those who tried to help is immense.

 

I don’t know if Eric Dykstra personally knows the man that sent out this tweet.  I don’t know if this man is currently getting help.  All I know is what I saw, or rather what I didn’t see.  I didn’t see anyone encouraging him to seek medical attention.  I saw Pastor Dykstra retweet this, which in essence validates the belief that God will , or might, get rid of bipolar disorder to anyone watching. 

 

Is God curing people of bipolar?  I don’t know.   I know bipolar is a treatable brain disorder.  I also know that your words and actions, or inaction, matters to someone suffering. 

 

Help is available.  http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml

Where is the missing sermon?

In past posts I've talked about changes that seemed to be happening at the Crossing; no more submission talk, grace and by all appearances the extreme pushes for money had stopped.  Elk River appeared peaceful for a time.  Yet in recent sermons and twitter posts we're starting to hear talk very reminiscent of the old days.  It's subtle but it's there.  With each statement there was a clear vibe that there was something coming to suggest they were going to ask for more money.  Purple Cow, Samurai - we've seen the many ways they go for the "big give".  I personally gave many thousands to their (manipulation) special giving programs.

They did a 4 part sermon series they are calling "Year of Faith" where the prime focus goes back to the tired formula of 'Do A, B & C and God is going to bless the hell out of you' (my description).  Weeks 1 & 2 had a strong focus on faith, believing God is going to make your dreams come true with little hints at giving.  Those in my inner circle of former Crossing attenders agreed that week 3 would be about giving.

Week 3 came and went yet no sermon.  Well isn't that curious?  Hmmm...why would that be?  People started asking and the Crossing said it wouldn't be posted online.

Promoting your big series and yet purposefully leaving out one sermon certainly makes you wonder what could be in that sermon that they refuse to share it.  If God is on your side, and making your grand vision to be a church of 10,000 (or is it 20,000?  The visions keeps changing.) then why can't we see it?  

Hold onto your bank account numbers Crossing people!  It's coming!  Or was that week 3 and we just didn't see it?  Oh my...what is in that missing sermon???

Why do I care?

I've been asked many times over the past year "Why do you care?!"  I care deeply and I doubt even those closest to me and my story understand the full depth of why I continue to call out spiritual abuse.  I will use this post to reveal a few things and hopefully bring better understanding to why I do what I do.

On my last post I spoke about my feelings on Eric Dykstra asking to meet with me and my reasons for declining the meeting.  Since that time I did meet face to face with him.  It was a good  meeting.  Eric humbly apologized to me after finding out that my story was true.  I appreciate that he went out of his way to say this to me when he could have easily let it go since I'd been gone so long.  My husband and I agreed that as far as our story with the Crossing Church goes, we've received all that's possible; a true apology.

So why not shut the blog down?  Because my fight was never for me.  My fight was for the mother that lost her son, those kicked out and those that were broken.  I left the Crossing Church of my own free will so I don't have a story of being kicked out.  I left with my child and still have my family intact.  I do have a story that wounded me but I have closure on that now.  While I hope that the spiritual abuse has stopped there won't be full closure on this until all those hurt receive the amends they so rightly deserve.  

So what is Spiritual Abuse? "Spiritual Abuse occurs when a leader, church or a belief system, whether well intentioned or not, dominates, manipulates or castigates individuals through fear tactics, mind control, or some other psychological or emotional abuse."  It can be hard to spot.  Many times the individual doesn't know they are fearful and feels they are making all decisions from their own free will.  It can be easy to ignore, especially in church settings, where we are taught to forgive, to let things go and to assume the best in people.  

I was a pastor's kid and saw Christians using abuse and manipulation my entire life.  When I had personal doubts I've been told everything from "Well maybe you aren't a real Christian" to "Maybe you need to accept Jesus into your heart again'.  I witnessed the bible being used to belittle, manipulate and hurt people.  My own mother was excommunicated and the entire church, the loving Christian family, turned their backs on us.  

Anyone getting kicked out of a church matters to me.

Anyone getting hurt by another's misuse of the bible matters to me.

Anyone losing their child, due to a church's interference in a  young life, matters to me.

Anyone ignored, broken and abandoned by a church matters to me.  

So I won't shut up.  I will continue to call out injustice.  

It feels great to have nothing to fear.  I wish this peace on everyone.

Just when you think it’s over

I was fully ready to release the Crossing from my life. I was prepared to put it in the past. Sure their new sermons on Grace, Grace and more Grace are unrealistic, clichéd and flippant to the real problems people face but I do understand that need to hear nothing but good and go into denial about everything else. The message is also ripe for shame: “You’ll give and serve because you WANT to!”. Well get ready for some choice words should you not want to. All in all though I’m not hearing of the spiritual abuse that was there before so I was willing to walk away for good.

About a month ago, out of nowhere, I get a message from a Crossing staff member that Pastor Eric wants to speak to me. I’m told “It’s nothing to worry about…in fact it’s good.” This left me perplexed and confounded. Before opening myself up to this I of course asked what the meeting was regarding. I’m told the same thing that he wants to speak to me and it’s ‘good’. Now tell me dear reader; I've written this blog for nearly a year, about Pastor Eric and the Crossing, so why would he want to speak to me about something ‘good’? The thought of a possible apology came to mind yet if that was the case why not tell me that’s what it’s about? Though my curiosity was peaked, and I would love to speak to Eric, the whole situation felt manipulative and contrived. I respectfully declined yet left the door open that if he wanted to truly tell me something good then email or mail would suffice.

Nothing. Not a word. Silence.

The only assumption I can come to is that this really wasn't good for me. I know if I had something ‘good’ to tell someone and they wouldn't meet with me then I’d find another way to reach them.
Though I would still meet if I knew the subject matter; since this didn't happen I do have a few things I’d like you to say.

You are truly gifted Eric. You can hold and mesmerize a crowd like few I've ever seen. You command attention and have an amazing stage presence. Smart, energetic, magnetic, captivating. To that list I would add manipulative, controlling and calculating.

I fell for it all. All my God/Daddy/Authority issues got tied up in you. I desperately wanted your approval and acceptance, as you set it up for so many to do, and allowed my self-respect and dignity be trampled to get it.
Though I was heartbroken to leave the Crossing I've come away better. Not living under submission to anyone is wonderful! I've felt a range of emotions from anger to annoyance to apathy. Today I’m much more at peace with it all now as you don’t own that place in my heart and mind anymore. I’m fine.

You broke me of Christianity. Yes, there were many years and instances before you but the Crossing was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back. On a good day, when the wind is whistling softly and the sun is shining on my face I say I’m an Agnostic Christian. For me this means that I don’t truly know anything but I still like Jesus; though it’s quite ironic that I've learned more about who Jesus really was through my atheist and agnostic friends than I ever did in church. On a bad day I’m an atheist. Whether in belief or disbelief I will never go back to the dogma that was stuffed down my throat as absolute truth ever again.

Eric, if you do truly have something good to say to me then I’d still listen but only if I’m told ahead of time what the true subject matter will be, who will be attending and what your purpose is. Just know we’d be meeting as equals. I am not your subordinate or inferior.

As always, my comments are open. Speak freely. Tell me off. I’m quite all right. 

Is there grace for everyone?

An interesting turn of events.  Eric Dykstra posts a new blog post entitled "Losing the Legalism".  The abusive legalistic ways of the Crossing Church are what many people have been talking about for over a year.  So they are no longer into missional legalism?  They are filled with grace.  Wonderful!

As of 8:00am today, Thursday, September 27, 2012, comments were open on this particular blog post.  Multiple people spoke out saying they were happy for the change and expressed that this was already an issue for them within the Crossing Church.  One poster wrote:

"There was a period of time where my frustrations just grew at church (The Crossing) and I wanted so bad to express them to someone but I could not put my finger on what I was experiencing to even open my mouth open my mouth about it. It was some strange an indirect discouragement... which in turn made me feel guilty, it was just so screwed up.(that nasty legalism thing) I was seeing why people boycotted church, not the relationship with Jesus but definitely church. It seemed I was kind of stuck in stupid, so I stepped back from the church for awhile and prayed. I never lost my faith and prayed and things got better, so better in so many ways. Thank you JESUS for The Crossing where I met you and Thank you for the Dykstras for being who they are & doing what they do!"

By 12:00pm the comments were closed and you could no longer read this post.

The comments were abruptly taken away after the mother, of One Mother's Journey, wrote this comment:

"I am so thankful for the changes that I have been hearing about, I really am. Please know, the hurt of what you were and through that legalistic pastoring that continues. I don't think you can fix what has happened, I am moving on, I do hope you can see the deep wounds that your missional legalism caused and make amends....I really hope you can get a hold of my son and apologize- My son left his family and married under your legalism, an 18 year old kid trying to please God and buying into what you then sold."

Coincidence?  Were they already planning on closing the comments?  Does it matter why?  The real question is why can't the comments always stay open?  So someone says something you don't like; does that mean you have to block them off?  If you are no longer under legalism and filled with grace then why isn't that grace shown to everyone else?

Grace, favor, God's favorite, blessed, lucky - does that absolve you of all accountability for your past actions?  Take a hard look at how the Crossing was being run; the submission, the work ethic, the burden.  Now look at each situation of each person you kicked out and those whose lives were forever changed from the way leadership was being run.  Take each situation to it's logical conclusion if you hadn't been legalistic. You'll see the outcomes are very different.

I've wracked my brain as to how you would be able to rationalize that you now admit you were wrong but not apologize.  Are you worried about how it would look?  Because it would be very good for your tarnished reputation.  Because these people spoke out against you and your church's actions are they "disloyal church people"?  If it's "always only about Jesus" then where is the relation to others?  Why can't there be open conversation?

My comments are open.  Lets talk.

My hopes for The Crossing Church

The Crossing Church is now preaching about grace.  The pastor, Eric Dykstra, claims he has changed.  They are breaking ground for their new multi-million dollar building.  It's been awhile since we've heard of anyone being kicked out and all seems peaceful.  This is all good.

I have some hopes for The Crossing Church, and though I doubt they'll even see this, I hope at least the general idea of what I'm saying gets to them and they listen.

I hope they understand that the trouble they went through in the past year was not persecution for the sake of Jesus.  The news reports, blogs, and outspoken views were due to the way they spiritually abused people.  People were not speaking out because you are "different" as you can find similar churches in nearly every Twin Cities suburb as well as around the country.

I see many changes in their "Code" and these changes were the exact issues others have spoken about.
Key changes:
"We want to orbit our personal finances, schedules and talents around the mission of His church."
"We value both men and women in leadership. We believe both men and women have the hand of God on their lives and are capable and called to lead others toward their God-given destiny."  No more catering to men?  Women are now equal?  Nice.  Very nice.
Taken out: "We want our back door working properly."  Point Crossing!  Good one!
There were a few more minor changes but these were my favorites.

I hope this new found grace isn't used for manipulation.  I hope people aren't shamed if they don't "want" to give, serve, invite people and orbit their lives around the Crossing.

I hope they understand what they did wrong in the situation with One Mother's Journey.  I hope they see how far reaching the damage is to everyone involved.  I hope they can take accountability for how they treated all people involved.

I hope they go back to being that church I found in a movie theater; a church that cared about serving those who needed help and not just filling seats to grow their audience, a church where you could shake the pastor's hand after a service and talk, a church where you could sit wherever you were comfortable, a church where you could relax and process God, a church where people cared about you as a person and not just what you could give or do.

I hope the forced submission has ended.  I hope the worship of leadership goes away and all people go back to being equal.

I hope they apologize.

Dear Eric

Dear Eric,

There is so much to post about I didn't know where to begin.  Your repentance, your change in how you are preaching to people, the new direction of the Crossing and even Chris Rosebrough acknowledging the difference in you.  Admitting that what you were previously preaching was wrong had to have been a humbling experience for you and I applaud you owning your part and coming clean.

You've been asked to apologize to those you have hurt so I won't belabor that request.  If you are truly repentant I trust you will do what is right for those that were wounded by you.

Now though I keep this blog anonymous you know who I am.  I'm sure there is a picture of me being used as a dart board in your staff lounge.  I'm the enemy; right?  You've seen my anger but what I don't think you fully understand is what is underneath those feelings.  I hope to give you a better understanding, or at least a glimpse, of what I have been feeling and where I am at today.

I felt like I'd been struck by a truck when I left the Crossing.  I didn't really want to leave but I felt I had no choice.  I saw people being kicked out, my story validated by one of those people and a mother losing her son.  Every sign was saying to get out and get out fast!  When I wrote you a letter saying why I was leaving I was heartbroken.  Even when I went on the news saying why I'd left it wouldn't have taken much to get me back.  An apology, a change and I would have happily been back there.  Kelly even called me saying I should expect an amends and it never came.

This year has been a roller coaster of emotions.  I've seen people in despair, sobbing and suicidal from their Crossing experience.  I've listened and hurt with those that were used and spit out.  My life has been turned upside down and my faith is gone.  I'll admit all my anger isn't at you Eric; it's at myself.  I'm livid that I was so gullible and trusting.  I could kick myself for the times I "submitted" when I should have stood up for myself.  I'm horribly bitter at all the money I gave.

The Crossing felt like a last chance for me.  If I couldn't get this God-thing down there then I just wasn't going to get it.  So I gave it everything I had.  I suppressed the doubts. I ignored the cognitive dissonance.  I did as I was told.  This resulted in my marriage going down as my husband wasn't measuring up to what the Crossing expected in attendance, service and attitude.  I found my fears escalating as I continued to fail at what was expected while I watched others thrive.  "If only my husband would get on board...If only I had the time to serve more...Maybe I should give more...I'm not fasting the way they want...I'm never going to be good enough."  I look at the bible now and think 'Why on earth did I ever believe this?!'

It's not all bad though. I've met amazing friends who don't judge me and let me be where I'm at through Back Door Ministries.  I'm free of the dogma of the church and that feels wonderful.  We're a much happier family not having to go through the Sunday morning (or rather Saturday night) drama of dealing with the parking police and seating Nazis.  My money now goes to people who truly need it such as the poor, homeless and orphans; actually the people Jesus said to help.

I'm trying to find a way to forgive you Eric but not in the Christian sense.  Not throwing Matthew 6:14 on you, though I may have in a previous post, because I no longer follow that.  Just trying to put you behind me.  Trying to find closure on this mess.  Looking for the lessons I can learn. I need to shut the door once and for all.