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Thursday, December 13, 2012

Just when you think it’s over

I was fully ready to release the Crossing from my life. I was prepared to put it in the past. Sure their new sermons on Grace, Grace and more Grace are unrealistic, clichéd and flippant to the real problems people face but I do understand that need to hear nothing but good and go into denial about everything else. The message is also ripe for shame: “You’ll give and serve because you WANT to!”. Well get ready for some choice words should you not want to. All in all though I’m not hearing of the spiritual abuse that was there before so I was willing to walk away for good.

About a month ago, out of nowhere, I get a message from a Crossing staff member that Pastor Eric wants to speak to me. I’m told “It’s nothing to worry about…in fact it’s good.” This left me perplexed and confounded. Before opening myself up to this I of course asked what the meeting was regarding. I’m told the same thing that he wants to speak to me and it’s ‘good’. Now tell me dear reader; I've written this blog for nearly a year, about Pastor Eric and the Crossing, so why would he want to speak to me about something ‘good’? The thought of a possible apology came to mind yet if that was the case why not tell me that’s what it’s about? Though my curiosity was peaked, and I would love to speak to Eric, the whole situation felt manipulative and contrived. I respectfully declined yet left the door open that if he wanted to truly tell me something good then email or mail would suffice.

Nothing. Not a word. Silence.

The only assumption I can come to is that this really wasn't good for me. I know if I had something ‘good’ to tell someone and they wouldn't meet with me then I’d find another way to reach them.
Though I would still meet if I knew the subject matter; since this didn't happen I do have a few things I’d like you to say.

You are truly gifted Eric. You can hold and mesmerize a crowd like few I've ever seen. You command attention and have an amazing stage presence. Smart, energetic, magnetic, captivating. To that list I would add manipulative, controlling and calculating.

I fell for it all. All my God/Daddy/Authority issues got tied up in you. I desperately wanted your approval and acceptance, as you set it up for so many to do, and allowed my self-respect and dignity be trampled to get it.
Though I was heartbroken to leave the Crossing I've come away better. Not living under submission to anyone is wonderful! I've felt a range of emotions from anger to annoyance to apathy. Today I’m much more at peace with it all now as you don’t own that place in my heart and mind anymore. I’m fine.

You broke me of Christianity. Yes, there were many years and instances before you but the Crossing was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back. On a good day, when the wind is whistling softly and the sun is shining on my face I say I’m an Agnostic Christian. For me this means that I don’t truly know anything but I still like Jesus; though it’s quite ironic that I've learned more about who Jesus really was through my atheist and agnostic friends than I ever did in church. On a bad day I’m an atheist. Whether in belief or disbelief I will never go back to the dogma that was stuffed down my throat as absolute truth ever again.

Eric, if you do truly have something good to say to me then I’d still listen but only if I’m told ahead of time what the true subject matter will be, who will be attending and what your purpose is. Just know we’d be meeting as equals. I am not your subordinate or inferior.

As always, my comments are open. Speak freely. Tell me off. I’m quite all right.