The Comfort of Belief

As I looked at my annoyance and animosity towards those that cannot explain their beliefs, or never explored why they believe what they believe, I want to try and look at it from their point of view.  As dear Dr. Phil says, "If you keep doing something, then you are getting something out of it."  So I'd like to look into what these people get out of remaining uninformed.  

I first have to ask myself what I got out of my ignorance.  I had a pattern, from childhood, of asking a question and then when the person's answer still left me with more questions I'd get angry.  Sometimes I'd keep asking until I usually exasperated the person I was asking, as they didn't have a real answer, and they'd then rebuke me in some way.  I was told I caused dissension.  I was told I had a spirit of rebellion.  Lots of shaming but still no answers.  

As an adult I stopped asking after awhile and simply tried to ignore the growing cognitive dissonance.  I comforted myself with John 3:12-  I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things?.  I tried to believe I didn't see the entire picture.  I decided I didn't see the big picture, since I wasn't God, and tried desperately to trust there was a reason for it all.  I was tired of the questions and was desperate for "the peace which passes all understanding".  The peace never came and the questions got bigger.  I screamed into the nothingness the words of Mark 9:24 - ..."“Lord, I believe;help my unbelief!”  But did I even believe?  Truly believe?  Not really.  But I sure didn't want to burn in hell so I pressed forward.  

I started going to The Crossing Church as a last ditch effort at Christianity which I briefly detail on my first post.  They had a class called "Ask Anything" which was supposed to be a bit salacious and edgy.  I came with a list of questions and verses that troubled me.  When I asked my question I was extremely agitated as this meant a lot to me.  I pointed out a specific verse that I couldn't reconcile in my brain with a God of love.  I said, "Why should I worship this God?!"  Pastor Eric laughed and said, "Then don't!" and proceeded to get the crowd to laugh at me.  I kept on until he finally became annoyed and told me they had to go to other questions.  Break time came and I was still seething.  My head was screaming for me to leave but I sat motionless.  Eric came to me and dropped the belittling demeanor and said, "There are verses in the bible I don't like also.  You just have to lean into the love of Jesus."  Leaning into the love of Jesus was something I couldn't do as I'd never felt that love.  I'd prayed "the sinner's prayer" more times than I could count.  I begged to have the emotion and feeling others had of this love, grace and mercy.  Yet I felt nothing.  

After leaving the church I was numb and didn't know what to do.  I began speaking to people of all faiths and no faith.  I started to research all the biblical things that caused my mind to explode and that was where my world fell apart.  There were no pat answers.  There was no perfect solution.  I could no longer hide behind ignorance or unknowing. There was nothing left to comfort me and I had to face that I was agnostic.  It's only been in the past few months that I have vocalized being agnostic.  


So coming back to those that cannot explain the origins of their beliefs, why they believe or even what they believe.  I recently heard someone say, in reference to challenging beliefs, that "when people's anxiety gets trumped up they start behaving badly".  I've seen this time and time again.  When I confront or dispute long held Christian beliefs, even in the form of questions, people get very agitated.  Their faith, in whatever form they make it, comforts them.  For me to put their long held beliefs up to scrutiny is like pulling the spiritual rug out from under them.  I want to own my part though.  I also recently heard on this same subject matter, "we want to be affirmed by them and are angry they aren't affirming us".  Ouch.  Yes, I can definitely own those feelings.  

This brings me to a bigger question: Why do I feel the need to make them understand their own beliefs?  There is anger and jealousy there.  Whether they are living a fantasy or reality, they appear to be skipping merrily down the land while I drown in doubt.  I miss the days of believing (or trying to believe) God would take care of everything.  There is a lot of comfort and security in the ignorance.  But I had seen the man behind the curtain so I couldn't go back.  So where does this leave us?  Do I demand they affirm me?  Do I smile and nod when they throw out a "God is good, all the time" statement, while shoving down my disdain?  Is there room for dialogue and conversation while maintaining the relationship?  I hope so.  We all deserve respect and safety in these issues and questions.