Just when you think it’s over

I was fully ready to release the Crossing from my life. I was prepared to put it in the past. Sure their new sermons on Grace, Grace and more Grace are unrealistic, clichéd and flippant to the real problems people face but I do understand that need to hear nothing but good and go into denial about everything else. The message is also ripe for shame: “You’ll give and serve because you WANT to!”. Well get ready for some choice words should you not want to. All in all though I’m not hearing of the spiritual abuse that was there before so I was willing to walk away for good.

About a month ago, out of nowhere, I get a message from a Crossing staff member that Pastor Eric wants to speak to me. I’m told “It’s nothing to worry about…in fact it’s good.” This left me perplexed and confounded. Before opening myself up to this I of course asked what the meeting was regarding. I’m told the same thing that he wants to speak to me and it’s ‘good’. Now tell me dear reader; I've written this blog for nearly a year, about Pastor Eric and the Crossing, so why would he want to speak to me about something ‘good’? The thought of a possible apology came to mind yet if that was the case why not tell me that’s what it’s about? Though my curiosity was peaked, and I would love to speak to Eric, the whole situation felt manipulative and contrived. I respectfully declined yet left the door open that if he wanted to truly tell me something good then email or mail would suffice.

Nothing. Not a word. Silence.

The only assumption I can come to is that this really wasn't good for me. I know if I had something ‘good’ to tell someone and they wouldn't meet with me then I’d find another way to reach them.
Though I would still meet if I knew the subject matter; since this didn't happen I do have a few things I’d like you to say.

You are truly gifted Eric. You can hold and mesmerize a crowd like few I've ever seen. You command attention and have an amazing stage presence. Smart, energetic, magnetic, captivating. To that list I would add manipulative, controlling and calculating.

I fell for it all. All my God/Daddy/Authority issues got tied up in you. I desperately wanted your approval and acceptance, as you set it up for so many to do, and allowed my self-respect and dignity be trampled to get it.
Though I was heartbroken to leave the Crossing I've come away better. Not living under submission to anyone is wonderful! I've felt a range of emotions from anger to annoyance to apathy. Today I’m much more at peace with it all now as you don’t own that place in my heart and mind anymore. I’m fine.

You broke me of Christianity. Yes, there were many years and instances before you but the Crossing was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back. On a good day, when the wind is whistling softly and the sun is shining on my face I say I’m an Agnostic Christian. For me this means that I don’t truly know anything but I still like Jesus; though it’s quite ironic that I've learned more about who Jesus really was through my atheist and agnostic friends than I ever did in church. On a bad day I’m an atheist. Whether in belief or disbelief I will never go back to the dogma that was stuffed down my throat as absolute truth ever again.

Eric, if you do truly have something good to say to me then I’d still listen but only if I’m told ahead of time what the true subject matter will be, who will be attending and what your purpose is. Just know we’d be meeting as equals. I am not your subordinate or inferior.

As always, my comments are open. Speak freely. Tell me off. I’m quite all right. 

Is there grace for everyone?

An interesting turn of events.  Eric Dykstra posts a new blog post entitled "Losing the Legalism".  The abusive legalistic ways of the Crossing Church are what many people have been talking about for over a year.  So they are no longer into missional legalism?  They are filled with grace.  Wonderful!

As of 8:00am today, Thursday, September 27, 2012, comments were open on this particular blog post.  Multiple people spoke out saying they were happy for the change and expressed that this was already an issue for them within the Crossing Church.  One poster wrote:

"There was a period of time where my frustrations just grew at church (The Crossing) and I wanted so bad to express them to someone but I could not put my finger on what I was experiencing to even open my mouth open my mouth about it. It was some strange an indirect discouragement... which in turn made me feel guilty, it was just so screwed up.(that nasty legalism thing) I was seeing why people boycotted church, not the relationship with Jesus but definitely church. It seemed I was kind of stuck in stupid, so I stepped back from the church for awhile and prayed. I never lost my faith and prayed and things got better, so better in so many ways. Thank you JESUS for The Crossing where I met you and Thank you for the Dykstras for being who they are & doing what they do!"

By 12:00pm the comments were closed and you could no longer read this post.

The comments were abruptly taken away after the mother, of One Mother's Journey, wrote this comment:

"I am so thankful for the changes that I have been hearing about, I really am. Please know, the hurt of what you were and through that legalistic pastoring that continues. I don't think you can fix what has happened, I am moving on, I do hope you can see the deep wounds that your missional legalism caused and make amends....I really hope you can get a hold of my son and apologize- My son left his family and married under your legalism, an 18 year old kid trying to please God and buying into what you then sold."

Coincidence?  Were they already planning on closing the comments?  Does it matter why?  The real question is why can't the comments always stay open?  So someone says something you don't like; does that mean you have to block them off?  If you are no longer under legalism and filled with grace then why isn't that grace shown to everyone else?

Grace, favor, God's favorite, blessed, lucky - does that absolve you of all accountability for your past actions?  Take a hard look at how the Crossing was being run; the submission, the work ethic, the burden.  Now look at each situation of each person you kicked out and those whose lives were forever changed from the way leadership was being run.  Take each situation to it's logical conclusion if you hadn't been legalistic. You'll see the outcomes are very different.

I've wracked my brain as to how you would be able to rationalize that you now admit you were wrong but not apologize.  Are you worried about how it would look?  Because it would be very good for your tarnished reputation.  Because these people spoke out against you and your church's actions are they "disloyal church people"?  If it's "always only about Jesus" then where is the relation to others?  Why can't there be open conversation?

My comments are open.  Lets talk.

My hopes for The Crossing Church

The Crossing Church is now preaching about grace.  The pastor, Eric Dykstra, claims he has changed.  They are breaking ground for their new multi-million dollar building.  It's been awhile since we've heard of anyone being kicked out and all seems peaceful.  This is all good.

I have some hopes for The Crossing Church, and though I doubt they'll even see this, I hope at least the general idea of what I'm saying gets to them and they listen.

I hope they understand that the trouble they went through in the past year was not persecution for the sake of Jesus.  The news reports, blogs, and outspoken views were due to the way they spiritually abused people.  People were not speaking out because you are "different" as you can find similar churches in nearly every Twin Cities suburb as well as around the country.

I see many changes in their "Code" and these changes were the exact issues others have spoken about.
Key changes:
"We want to orbit our personal finances, schedules and talents around the mission of His church."
"We value both men and women in leadership. We believe both men and women have the hand of God on their lives and are capable and called to lead others toward their God-given destiny."  No more catering to men?  Women are now equal?  Nice.  Very nice.
Taken out: "We want our back door working properly."  Point Crossing!  Good one!
There were a few more minor changes but these were my favorites.

I hope this new found grace isn't used for manipulation.  I hope people aren't shamed if they don't "want" to give, serve, invite people and orbit their lives around the Crossing.

I hope they understand what they did wrong in the situation with One Mother's Journey.  I hope they see how far reaching the damage is to everyone involved.  I hope they can take accountability for how they treated all people involved.

I hope they go back to being that church I found in a movie theater; a church that cared about serving those who needed help and not just filling seats to grow their audience, a church where you could shake the pastor's hand after a service and talk, a church where you could sit wherever you were comfortable, a church where you could relax and process God, a church where people cared about you as a person and not just what you could give or do.

I hope the forced submission has ended.  I hope the worship of leadership goes away and all people go back to being equal.

I hope they apologize.

Dear Eric

Dear Eric,

There is so much to post about I didn't know where to begin.  Your repentance, your change in how you are preaching to people, the new direction of the Crossing and even Chris Rosebrough acknowledging the difference in you.  Admitting that what you were previously preaching was wrong had to have been a humbling experience for you and I applaud you owning your part and coming clean.

You've been asked to apologize to those you have hurt so I won't belabor that request.  If you are truly repentant I trust you will do what is right for those that were wounded by you.

Now though I keep this blog anonymous you know who I am.  I'm sure there is a picture of me being used as a dart board in your staff lounge.  I'm the enemy; right?  You've seen my anger but what I don't think you fully understand is what is underneath those feelings.  I hope to give you a better understanding, or at least a glimpse, of what I have been feeling and where I am at today.

I felt like I'd been struck by a truck when I left the Crossing.  I didn't really want to leave but I felt I had no choice.  I saw people being kicked out, my story validated by one of those people and a mother losing her son.  Every sign was saying to get out and get out fast!  When I wrote you a letter saying why I was leaving I was heartbroken.  Even when I went on the news saying why I'd left it wouldn't have taken much to get me back.  An apology, a change and I would have happily been back there.  Kelly even called me saying I should expect an amends and it never came.

This year has been a roller coaster of emotions.  I've seen people in despair, sobbing and suicidal from their Crossing experience.  I've listened and hurt with those that were used and spit out.  My life has been turned upside down and my faith is gone.  I'll admit all my anger isn't at you Eric; it's at myself.  I'm livid that I was so gullible and trusting.  I could kick myself for the times I "submitted" when I should have stood up for myself.  I'm horribly bitter at all the money I gave.

The Crossing felt like a last chance for me.  If I couldn't get this God-thing down there then I just wasn't going to get it.  So I gave it everything I had.  I suppressed the doubts. I ignored the cognitive dissonance.  I did as I was told.  This resulted in my marriage going down as my husband wasn't measuring up to what the Crossing expected in attendance, service and attitude.  I found my fears escalating as I continued to fail at what was expected while I watched others thrive.  "If only my husband would get on board...If only I had the time to serve more...Maybe I should give more...I'm not fasting the way they want...I'm never going to be good enough."  I look at the bible now and think 'Why on earth did I ever believe this?!'

It's not all bad though. I've met amazing friends who don't judge me and let me be where I'm at through Back Door Ministries.  I'm free of the dogma of the church and that feels wonderful.  We're a much happier family not having to go through the Sunday morning (or rather Saturday night) drama of dealing with the parking police and seating Nazis.  My money now goes to people who truly need it such as the poor, homeless and orphans; actually the people Jesus said to help.

I'm trying to find a way to forgive you Eric but not in the Christian sense.  Not throwing Matthew 6:14 on you, though I may have in a previous post, because I no longer follow that.  Just trying to put you behind me.  Trying to find closure on this mess.  Looking for the lessons I can learn. I need to shut the door once and for all.

An Apology

So Eric has changed.  He's a new pastor.  No more preaching about curses, no slamming people and I'd assume no more "going to heaven exhausted".  Nice.  You repented of preaching this way.  Again, how nice. 

Now where is the apology for the lives you destroyed?  Where is the apology for the people you kicked out because they weren't living up to your grand expectations?  Where is the apology for the people whose faith you pulverized?  Where is the apology for the children whose view of God and church exploded in their face due to your actions?  

You preach about going to CR and doing the 12 steps.  You preach that you should admit your mistakes.  You preach amends   

So own this Eric.  

* A note to those that hide any critique from Eric; you aren't helping him,  you aren't helping the situation and you aren't helping God. Back off.

I'm tired of talking about The Crossing Church

I'm tired of talking about The Crossing Church.  I'm tired of writing this blog.  I'm tired of the subject of spiritual abuse.  I'm tired of watching another person cry and in pain over their experiences at The Crossing Church.  I'm tired of researching how cults manipulate people and finding parallels in my own story.  I'm tired  of being asked "how is that boy doing?".  I'm tired of being asked about the news report.  I'm tired of it all.

I'm tired of hearing Eric Dykstra take the bible out of context.  In one of his latest talks he throws out one of the worst and most misused verses in Christianity: 

1 Corinthians 10:13 - No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

27:30 – "If I go through hard times God has faith in me or I wouldn’t be going through them. Whatever hardship pain or suffering you’ve faced in your life it’s because God looked at your life and said you can handle it."

28:24 – Having a conversation a woman and she goes “I have cancer” and I go “Man! I don’t know how I could handle that!” If I could handle that I’d have cancer. If she’s got cancer God’s got the confidence in her that she can handle it and go through it.

29:01- I went through some hard stuff last year and some of my pastor friends of mine called me and said “This is the tip off man. God’s got some really great stuff for your future!! Your future is going to be ridiculous!”
I'll leave it up to the reader to see the insanity in these statements.  I'll state simply that the verse speaks of temptation and not hardship.  Cancer is not temptation.

These are a few of the people that Eric feels can handle cancer.  So these poor children get cancer and struggle for their lives but when Eric has a 'hard time' it means his future will be great.  Hmmnm...

It's been over a year since the accusations about The Crossing Church began to fly and yet the talk of them being a cult continues.  Watching his latest talk he speaks about his haters in minutes 6-12.  He gets quite animated when talking about the end of the world and Christians being persecuted.  He speaks on 'disloyal church people' and 'betraying and hating on each other'.  Lets be clear Eric; no one was disloyal to you.  We spoke out and continue to speak out on your abusive actions and twisting of the bible.  Now lets go to what Eric says Christ would do to these awful church people 

12:07 - "he loved them back, he was good to them back, he was gracious back". 

I'm tired.  Eric you have to be tired too.  Now since you proclaim to be a follower of Christ, someone that follows his teachings and wants to do his will, I have a proposal for you.  Apologize to those you have hurt and this blog will come down.  I'll put down my sword and walk away.  Clean up your side of the street.  

Matthew 6:14-15 - “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

Mark 11:25 “when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins too.”

Matthew 5:23-25 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”

Apologize and I will never say another word; I won't talk about your sermons, your promotions, your Twitter or anything about The Crossing Church.  Face the people you kicked out.  Face the people you have hurt.  Own your actions.  

Deal?

Censorship vs. Relationship

The past year, since stories of spiritual abuse have come out, the Crossing has been on high alert to hide any negative comments towards them.  Unless you are in full agreement with them, on any subject, your comments from their Facebook or Twitter will immediately be deleted. Not only has any comment I've given, or anyone in my group given, been deleted within minutes of posting but comments of many others.  Just a few months ago I saw one woman pleading for them to answer her; her step father is involved in the Crossing and has left his family.  She said, "Why won't you answer me?!?!"  Instant deletion.

If you call them out on Twitter they block you.  They want to give the illusion they are full of the love of Jesus instead of the truth which is they are full of sh*t.  Blocking has become the latest gimmick for Christian Culture.  Mark Driscoll recently blocked blogger Matthew Paul Turner.  The equivalent to being kicked out the back door.

Even in the WCCO news story, where Eric Dykstra was going to address the controversy surrounding them nothing was actually cleared up.  He said, "I've been misquoted and misunderstood."  What was misquoted?  Every word said has been directly from his mouth.  Misunderstood?  We were front row center (by force of the seating Nazis) and had everything verbally pounded into us.  Nothing has been misunderstood.

Here is the question Crossing church: what are you afraid of?  If you are truly a 'Move of God' as you claim then shouldn't he be protecting you from bad press?  Why can't you address your critics?  Why can't you have a conversation?

"Relationship is how we’ve all been harmed, relationship is how we will all be healed." ~ Stephanie Drury